where did ME Go. self pity party

When did I lose myself? When I was growing up all I ever wanted was to be loved and be Happy and have babies. But tonight among the craziness I asked myself where did "ME" go. This year has been very hard on me taking care of five kids and the house, Pretty much on my own. I don't sugar coat or hide that my marriage sucks big time at times. this year almost everyday. I refuse to be that family that everyone thinks is perfect then you all are surprised when we get a divorce. People may not agree with that but I don't sit there and talk bad about my husband all the time. I need to talk about it and vent or I will go crazy. wait I'm already that way o well.
All day I am with the kids and the house. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY KIDS. They are my life the reason I get up each morning. But some days I feel like no one sees me Pamela Ferguson Not the Wife Pamela Parnell or the mom me. I was born Pamela Ferguson. YES i took on my husbands name so I am PAMELA PARNELL but in this house I am MOM. that's it I don't get to do things for myself or I am being lazy. I hate the way I dress and the way I let myself go over the past year. I don't feel pretty anymore. I could go all day long with out a single thought about ME.
So mostly my husband but its my kids to I just want to scream "hello I am a person I do have feelings I am not just to maid and your cook." Its the same thing (most days) I cook and clean and clean and cook. I do for EVERYONE and no one does anything for me. I need a vacation from my family some time to realize I am a person I do have a name other then MOM. I tell you I loved going to MOPS and my MNO because I am not a MOM I have a name which you all know. People are nice to me (most of the time) and ask how I'm doing.
I am so hoping this school year with Joie in school that it will help. cause something has to change in my life. I will be totally honest I am not like most moms I did not choose to stay home with the kids. I was forced to we did not plan on having TWO babies. So when my husband tries to throw that in my face you choose to be a stay home mom I laugh. I do enjoy getting to spend time with me kids and not missing all the silly things. It would be allot easier if my husband supported me in my role as a stay home mom. this is so hard for me to wright because I don't want you all to change your opine of me. I do enjoy being home with my babies but its hard very hard. When I had a job I had a name other then MOM. I had a life that was just not all about my family. Some of you might enjoy being Betty croker or june clever but that was not for me. I am going to end this one now because it is a rough subject for me and it has been a hard day and I don't want to go off about things right now. I know that this next school year I need to work on ME and well loving ME.

Babysitters

Babysitters in a hot topic and can make some people mad lol. I think these girl now a day are over priced and under worked. I had a friend tell me the other day she paid someone 10 dollars an hour and came home and found the girl asleep on the couch and a huge mess of toys. When I babysat back in the day. I charged 2 dollars per kid and I cleaned up MY mess and then some. I had people fighting over me. So I must had been doing something right.
10 dollars a kid would cost me 50 bucks an hour just to go out WOW that's 100 dollars for a movie. NO THANK YOU I could take them to a good time out for that rate. At lest there they have there CPR certificate and schooling in child development. and they can make a mess somewhere else I don't have to clean. Here are there rates see how your sitter stacks up.
yes they have a membership fee but I found a deal on a web site for that. 0-23 is 10 dollars. 2-12 is 8 for the frist child and 5 for each additional child. lunch 4 dinner 5.50 so my five kids would be 38 if we came after dinner. WOW cheaper then that over priced sitter.
The reason these girls are getting that much is because we are paying it (well I'm not). I had a sitter tell me once I did not pay her enough. She had to wait until we got paid again to get the rest. When was the last time you went to a job and you said OK I would like 10 dollars an hour o and by the way I drove from across town so give me a little extra for gas. They work for you lay it out up front if they wont accept those terms move onto the next person. If everyone stops using the over priced sitters maybe they will get the hint. Now i have five kids I would be willing to pay 10 dollars an hour which I think is fare. I would make sure they our feed. Baylee is there to help. Call me cheap but why should I have to pay more because you over pay your sitter.
Preschool teachers don't even make that much and they are educating your child. I have a friend she is 15 she is looking to start babysitting and well if I use her and pay her 10 dollars an hour she would be exciting with that. Because one she wants to be with my kids and 2 she would know any different. I should not have to pay 80 dollars to have a night away from my children. The other option is swapping babysitting with friends but I have 5 kids and no one is really jumping at watching them. So say you have 2 kids paying at 2 dollars an hour per kid, so your like if I'm gone 2 hours that's only 8 dollars wow who is going to want to do that. Well more then likely you wont be gone only 2 hours by the time you drive there and back so your up to 12 for 3 hours you could tip her for cleaning or ask a friend that has one kid if they want to bring there child over to combine babysitting. Then your both gone 3 hours and you both end up paying 20 each that's 40 dollars for 3 hours that's a little over 13 dollars an hour. Not bad pay..
Bottom line is remember they work for you and you hire them. If your house keeper tried to raise there price to something outrages what would you do FIRE them and find someone else.
Well OK maybe I am just cheap. But why should I have to pay 50 dollars an hour. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. remember this is a no judge zone. also if anyone wants my friends number I would be happy to give it to you. she is a very sweet young lady.

I DO

So Most of you know how my husband is. Well lately he has been over the top. My house has been crazy messy. The kids make a mess faster then I can clean it. He works a real mans job (outside in the heat more then 8 hours) so I have been giving him a break. But enough is enough I should have been born a guy. He has is made from the day I said I DO. I DO his laundry, I do the cleaning. I do the cooking. I do the Baths, I Do the bedtime. (or they stay up) I DO his lunch for the next day. I do the bills. I do the shopping (with 5 kids sometimes) WOW I guess when he heard the word I DO he thought it meant he can sit on his butt and DO nothing. I mean really pal we have FIVE kids two of which are babies. lets see what do he DO well he ignores the babies crying until I come to get them. He tells me they need there diaper changed. He steps over the mess and falls asleep on the floor in are very small front room. GREAT more junk to step over. When we got married My husband and I decided we would not just give up on our marriage like the rest of the world is so quick to do. SO I have been doing it all sense I DO. I get up with the babies at night have from day one. Because why (read with sarcasm) well see he works he brings home the money. Well I don't think he realizes well I could leave him and get exactly what I get from him as I get now. The MONEY and no help. But wait I would not have to make his lunch ever night do hos laundry, listen to him snore, or complain about the house. hummmm just saying. I tell him all the time if I wanted just your money I would leave you and still get it. I WANT MORE THEN THAT. I want help with the kids. maybe make dinner once in a while. OR here's a thought take the kids to his moms or the park with out me. that would be nice. let me sleep in one morning. (he used to do that) cuddle your babies. let me go away for a night with out kids. A full night sleep what would I do. Bottom line is I love my husband enough to putt up with all this crap it just is hard very hard. I need to hire a nanny and house keeper. I just hope I love him enough to make it until were old and grey.

Get out of your house.

When I was Pregnant with the twins I was not able to get out much, (only to my favorite pool). So once they were born I felt like we have been going no stop. There once was a mom posted that she could not go to the park because she had a toddler and a baby and the park would be hard. ARE YOU KIDDING ME LADY. Its only as hard as you make it. The twins learned to work around our lives. Going to the park, eating out and Noise in the house. When we are home they usually nap around 10 and then 4 or later. The best advise I was given when I was pregnant was from a stranger in Wall mart she said "the babies are on your schedule you are not on Therese". When they were younger if we had a play date at the park they napped in there car seat. Today for example they napped in there stroller at lunch. I know it will not always work they will have to have time to lay down. I am not a nap cop if we are invited to something fun, nap can wait or be moved. Schedules work for some and that's great its just my thing. My children are happy kids for the most part. I try to get out of the house at least ever other day with the kids or I would go crazy. When your feeling down as a mom I feel its important to get out and surround yourself with people you like. Hiding is no fun and will not help your mood. I have notice with the heat it makes mommy's cranky so its important we get out and have some fun. I know every time I feel down and then decided to get out it has helped so much. I am rambling I know. I am good at that on right. So if I can load up two babies 3, 5 and sometimes the 10 year old going on 18, then there is hope for you too. Even if its just a walk in the evening it will help boost your mood. Don't hide in your house because your kids. So what if your kids are brats join my club. I don't give a shit if people stare at me in the target store.
Also to all the moms scared to leave there children with there husband and come have some mom fun or even ME time. How does that make him feel that you don't trust him. Ever heard the saying if moms not happy no one is. You need to recharge your self have some adult time, some girl time. I feel guilty when I leave my children but once I get to were I'm going and start laughing with my friends it goes away. Here is the shocking part too ever time I have gone out which is twice month if not more. My kids have been FINE with daddy. It gives him time with the kids too, trust me he needs that. blah blah blah blah or I am rambling so enough with the thoughts in my head. Remember your kids are on your schedule you are not on threes. they will adapt and be OK. So get out of the house and have fun. house work is over rated.

Mommy advise 1

I have noticed moms beat them selves up over matters. I am one of those people when I was pregnant with the twins, I had this idea of how I would get them on a schedule and breastfeed them to a year. Well after they were born it was CRAZY. I went from 3 kids to 5 hello craziness. Plus if you don't know me you should know that I am married but its more like a boyfriend that stops by to play with the older kids gives me money and complains about my house. He can ignore the twins crying like its the neighbors kids crying. But he works so he thinks he is doing his part. HAHAHAHAHA but enough about that. So life was hard with newborn twins a lazy ten year old who we will call B, a then 4 year old (who we will call J) who wanted to pick up my very small babies when every I putt them down even if they were asleep in the swing. and a then 2 year old ( named TJ) who wanted to be held because he was the baby and could not understand why mommy could not hold him as much. He very much is a mamma's boy and still is. I had help from my wonder full friends but not at 3am. Breastfeeding was hard for me. When ever I sat down to feed one. J would either start hitting Tj or try to pick up the other twin. We made it to 5 months of breastfeed but the twins decided they were done. I supplemented from the start, the bottle was quicker for them. The Reason I beat myself up about breastfeeding is because I had other mom friends that made it to a year with there twins. I finally had to realize that this is what is best for me my babies and my family. I felt bad for weeks felt like a horrible mother. Here is what I say HELLO I had 3 other children and I made it to 5 months. I should note the moms I was comparing myself to had no other children, they could seat around all day and feed there babies. I Me I wanted to make it to a year, but what I want may not always be what is best for Me babies or My family. My milk supple was going down and if I tried to force it for a year I may have been starving my babies, Because I was stressing out like crazy not drinking water and well I never get good. So formula in my case was what was best at that time for my babies. It was listening to all my friends was what was bring me down and making me feel like a bad mom. So about 5 months ago is when I decided I need to putt my family OK my kids first in my life and do what is best for them. and I get complements all the time about how happy my babies are. I feed them when every they are hungry or I think they are (they don't talk much yet lol) we go throw a 32oz can every 4-6 days I would say. I would have to say that having the twins has helped me relaxes more about kids. (just wish my husband would fallow)
SO in the end don't listen to all your friends about what they think is best for you and your baby. Take there advise but don't take it to heart. You have to do what is best for you and your family. If that means breastfeeding for a year or cloth diapers or even waiting to find out the sex of your baby. Don't let the world around you influence how you raise your children. I rather have a happy children then the model family with a clean house, perfectly pressed clothes. Life is too short to drive your self nuts over simple things. My kids were all only breastfeed until about half a year and here is a secret there health children. But if you can make it for a year GREAT that is what is best for you and your family. Stop making other moms feel bad about your choice though.

Welcome and warning

This Blog is random stuff that pops into my head. You can not get offended with my view on life not yours, and o yah I am a horrible speller, thank god for spell check. Unlike all the nice blogs mine will not flow as nice. It pretty much is to get my random thoughts, it might be thoughts about kids moms or house work. so hope you enjoy and are still my friend after reading. AND NO FIGHTING ON HERE. we don't all agree on everything that's what makes like fun. Also there be a few bad words warning there. This is for fun and to get other moms to smile don't judge and hate me I am in no way saying I am better then you. I am sooo far from it. Some post might just be a day in the life of the mom with twins +3. Everyone thinks I have it together well hehehe some days I sure don't but I also take the I don't give a shit approach allot. So you have been warned I dont want to lose friends over this, or get random texts from people feeling like I am being mean.