where did ME Go. self pity party

When did I lose myself? When I was growing up all I ever wanted was to be loved and be Happy and have babies. But tonight among the craziness I asked myself where did "ME" go. This year has been very hard on me taking care of five kids and the house, Pretty much on my own. I don't sugar coat or hide that my marriage sucks big time at times. this year almost everyday. I refuse to be that family that everyone thinks is perfect then you all are surprised when we get a divorce. People may not agree with that but I don't sit there and talk bad about my husband all the time. I need to talk about it and vent or I will go crazy. wait I'm already that way o well.
All day I am with the kids and the house. Don't get me wrong I LOVE MY KIDS. They are my life the reason I get up each morning. But some days I feel like no one sees me Pamela Ferguson Not the Wife Pamela Parnell or the mom me. I was born Pamela Ferguson. YES i took on my husbands name so I am PAMELA PARNELL but in this house I am MOM. that's it I don't get to do things for myself or I am being lazy. I hate the way I dress and the way I let myself go over the past year. I don't feel pretty anymore. I could go all day long with out a single thought about ME.
So mostly my husband but its my kids to I just want to scream "hello I am a person I do have feelings I am not just to maid and your cook." Its the same thing (most days) I cook and clean and clean and cook. I do for EVERYONE and no one does anything for me. I need a vacation from my family some time to realize I am a person I do have a name other then MOM. I tell you I loved going to MOPS and my MNO because I am not a MOM I have a name which you all know. People are nice to me (most of the time) and ask how I'm doing.
I am so hoping this school year with Joie in school that it will help. cause something has to change in my life. I will be totally honest I am not like most moms I did not choose to stay home with the kids. I was forced to we did not plan on having TWO babies. So when my husband tries to throw that in my face you choose to be a stay home mom I laugh. I do enjoy getting to spend time with me kids and not missing all the silly things. It would be allot easier if my husband supported me in my role as a stay home mom. this is so hard for me to wright because I don't want you all to change your opine of me. I do enjoy being home with my babies but its hard very hard. When I had a job I had a name other then MOM. I had a life that was just not all about my family. Some of you might enjoy being Betty croker or june clever but that was not for me. I am going to end this one now because it is a rough subject for me and it has been a hard day and I don't want to go off about things right now. I know that this next school year I need to work on ME and well loving ME.